Writing the Five Genii Way

Mind, Heart & Soul of writing

#14 – You Don’t Say

Table of Contents

The Sine Qua Non of Characterization

Blog 12 “Courting Characters” and Blog 13 “Creating Characters” were all about characterization. Well, not quite all.  Although they dwelt on determining which characters you wanted to populate your fiction and how to reveal them, they didn’t go far enough. 

They didn’t address the sine qua non of characterization: dialogue.  The phrase sine qua non is a perfect, if somewhat snooty, way to describe the effects of dialogue.   It is essential for “nailing a character,” as author Rita Mae Brown puts it.  It is as necessary as chocolate chips in chocolate chip cookies.

If you want to double the impression you’re making by using sine qua non, add the phrase sui generis to your description of dialogue.  It’s a bonus phrase which means “of its own kind,” in other words unlike anything else.

I love writing and reading dialogue.  I feel excited when I sense the need for dialogue, and I read it aloud as I write. Again and again.  I exult in dialogue.  

Hard as it is, authors write a lot of dialogue.  Here’s why, according to writer Ann Lamott in the bestseller Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life,

Good dialogue is such a pleasure to come across while reading, a complete change of pace from description and exposition and all that writing.  Suddenly people are talking, and we find ourselves clipping along.  And we have all the pleasures of voyeurism because the characters don’t know we are listening.  We get to feel privy to their inner workings without having to spend too much time listening to them thinking.  (64)

 

 

Oh, if we only knew what these characters are saying! 

 Writer Rita Mae Brown commented in Starting From Scratch, “. . .why pass on heavy ammunition? Crackling dialogue is a joy to read.” (85)  She calls dialogue a “literary biopsy.”

Blogger Nathan Bransford described dialogue as an “escalating joust between characters with competing interests” (https://nathanbransford.com/blog/2022/10/seven-keys-to-writing-good-dialogue).

The term dialogue means “two” (di-) “speak” (log). In this sense, two people are speaking to create dialogue.  Conventionally, dialogue (which can also be spelled dialog) is conversation between two or more people as a feature of a book, play, or movie. Not always, however.  Think of the late, great (and I mean this) standup comedian, Bob Newhart who delivered dialogue all by himself, sometimes talking into a phone as if talking to another person.  Think of comedians (ventriloquists) who use dummies to set up their jokes.  Think of routines, such as the dialogues performed by Abbott & Costello.  Monty Python satirized dialogue in a dialogue sketch called Argument Clinic, in which the characters engage in a meaningless back and forth:

Yes it is. 
No it isn’t.

Some contemporary authors have written fiction with nothing but dialogue.  Author Neil Gaiman wrote a short story, Orange, with nothing but responses to a written questionnaire, such as this:

 Seventeen on June the ninth. 

Dave Eggers’ Your Fathers, Where Are They? And the Prophets, Do They Live Forever? was entirely dialogue, such as this: 

—You don’t recognize me?
—What? No. What is this?

Other modern writers have leaned on dialogue more than exposition to develop character and plot.  Think of how thin Hemingway’s description can be, yet how full of compelling characters and plot. Investigate how David Foster Wallace, Virginia Woolf, Donald Barthelme, William Gaddis, and Italo Calvino used dialogue.

Michael Frayn wrote Copenhagen, a play that is pure dialogue between two great physicists, one from Denmark and the other from Germany who meet for a philosophical discussion during WW II.  Consider movies such as My Dinner With Andre, for example, which is a long conversation between two characters talking about their lives and philosophies.

Writers throughout history have also eschewed exposition and description for dialogue, including Diderot.  Shakespeare wrote most of his plays either with sparse stage directions (exit and exeunt) or none at all, just the words the characters said and how much they revealed through those words.

Go back further in history (circa 470 – 399 BC/BCE) and you’ll discover a type of dialogue the Greek philosopher Socrates used to explore ideas with his friends, including Plato.  It was essentially a question-answer form, with Socrates claiming ignorance and prodding his friends to engage in discovering answers, a type of education that today is called a Socratic Seminar.   Socrates did not document this form of education, but Plato did in his Symposium. He described a conversation between Socrates and several of his friends who were lying on couches “in various states of drunkenness.”  They dropped out, one-by-one, as the arguments became more rigorous, until only one is left to conclude the dialogue with Socrates.   

 

(Image by Freepik)

Consider the two men in this picture.  Perhaps they are engaged in a dialogue like those between Socrates and others, including Plato.  Or they are just enjoying their beer.

Why Use Dialogue

Here are the most common reasons to use dialogue:

  • To reveal character.  Dialogue is a fantastic device for characterization because it moves the story forward while also telling your reader who characters are.
  • To activate and dramatize conflict. 
  • To provide exposition (however, be cautious about using dialogue to provide exposition; it can so easily be overused).
  • To convey subtext.
  • To establish voice.(adapted from https://www.masterclass.com/articles/ways-to-use-dialogue-in-your-writing)

Here are few additional reasons to use dialogue:

  1. Dialogue is sneaky.  Rita Mae Brown notes,
    Dialogue reveals. Even when your character is concealing his or her true emotions, you can use the dialogue as a counterpoint to this. A character is putting on a good face. The reader knows it. The dialogue gives you irony and  perhaps. . .poignancy. (93)
  2. Related to #1: You can hide things through dialogue.  For example, have your character say something such as, “Oh no!” to something the reader cannot see.  Of course, you’ll need to help the reader understand what’s happening at some point. But in the meantime, you will have built suspense.
  3. Writing dialogue forces authors to decide what they’re putting on a page and what they are not putting on the page.  Whenever you write dialogue, you need to know  what they are not putting on the page.  Whenever you write dialogue, you need to know what’s happening with your characters and your plot.  You need to make sure emotions, for example, and events are adequately conveyed by the dialogue.  Your readers must be able to infer from the dialogue what you don’t say about character and plot.  Dialogue is, however, a heavy lift because writers must know so much about their characters.
  4. It is a type of indirect characterization, which is often seen as a better way of revealing character than direct characterization, such as, “Barnaby is a free-range salesman.”  (See Blog #13 “Developing Characters” for more on direct and indirect characterization.)

Dissecting Some Dialogue

As you read this blog, you’ll come across some text boxes such as this. Each text box contains two or more dialogues from a variety of fiction writers.  Appraise each according to your own reactions and then apply what you have learned about dialogue from this blog. I offer my own reactions and analysis of each at the end of this blog.

#1    J. R. R. Tolkien, The Hobbit 

         “What have I got in my pocket?” he said aloud. He was talking to himself, but Gollum thought it was a riddle, and he was frightfully upset.

         “Not fair! not fair!” he hissed. “It isn’t fair, my precious, is it, to ask us what it’s got in its nassty little pocketses?”

         Bilbo seeing what had happened and having nothing better to ask stuck to his question. “What have I got in my pocket?” he said louder.

         “S-s-s-s-s,” hissed Gollum. “It must give us three guesseses, my precious, three guesseses.”

         “Very well! Guess away!” said Bilbo.

         “Handses!” said Gollum. 

         “Wrong,” said Bilbo, who had luckily just taken his hand out again. “Guess again!”

         “S-s-s-s-s,” said Gollum, more upset than ever.

 

#2    F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby 

     “There’s another little thing,” he said uncertainly, and hesitated. 

     “Would you rather put it off for a few days?” I asked.

      “Oh, it isn’t about that. At least —” He fumbled with a series of beginnings. “Why, I thought — why, look here, old sport, you don’t make much money, do you?”

     “Not very much.”

      This seemed to reassure him and he continued more confidently. 

      “I thought you didn’t, if you’ll pardon my — you see, I carry on a little business on the side, a little side line, if you understand. And I thought that if you don’t make very much — You’re selling bonds, aren’t you, old sport?”

      “Trying to.” 

Types of Dialogue

Dialogue can accomplish much of what exposition can accomplish. For example, dialogue can

  1. Persuade when there is a conflict of opinions
  2. Inquire when there is a need for proof
  3. Discover when there is a need to find an explanation of facts
  4. Negotiate when there is a conflict of interests
  5. Seek information if facts are needed. 
  6. Elaborate when there is a dilemma or practical choice
  7. Argue when there is a personal conflict
  8. Let a character demonstrate flaws and faults, make mistakes

(adapted from researchgate.net/figure/Seven-Basic-Types-of-Dialog)

Another way to understand dialogue is to look at varieties of styles:

  1.   Realistic Dialogue:
    This is when people speak naturally, as if they were real people. They do all the things real people do:  forget what they are saying, repeat something, stutter, use “crutch” sounds such as ummm, pause to recall what they want to say, go off topic, make mistakes, demonstrate feelings.  Unfortunately, reading something naturalistic can be tedious.  Realistic dialogue is often slow going.
  1.   Perfect Dialogue
    This is realistic dialogue that has been sharpened and polished, often by deleting what real people do when they talk. Perfect dialogue moves faster than realistic dialogue.  It may not be emotional.  It  may feel crafted.  It is sometimes better     than realistic dialogue for conveying humor.
  1.   Heightened Dialogue
    This is emotional, sometimes consisting of single words or phrases that signal stress:  Oh, no.  How could this be?  What?  It probably doesn’t last long before turning into realistic or perfect dialogue.
  1. Snap Dialogue
    Snap dialogue is what friends say to each other when they are not trying to express deep thoughts or emotions.  They are not building an argument, negotiating, or inquiring about something important.  Many experienced authors advise new authors to avoid these ho-hum utterances, such as, Oh, hi.  How are ya? What ya doin’? Bye. See ya soon.  Unless something unexpected will happen as a result of these casual and expected words, you might want to avoid them.   (adapted from an unnamed source on Redddit)

Dissecting Some Dialogue

#3    Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice

“My dear Mr. Bennet,” said his lady to him one day, “have you heard that Netherfield Park is let at last?”   

Mr. Bennet replied that he had not.     

“But it is,” returned she; “for Mrs. Long has just been here, and she told me all about it.”     

Mr. Bennet made no answer.     

“Do you not want to know who has taken it?” cried his wife impatiently.     “You want to tell me, and I have no objection to hearing it.”   

This was invitation enough.     

“Why, my dear, you must know, Mrs. Long says that Netherfield is taken by a young man of large fortune from the north of England; that he came down on Monday in a chaise and four to see the place, and was so much delighted with it, that he agreed with Mr. Morris immediately; that he is to take possession before Michaelmas, and some of his servants are to be in the house by the end of next week.” 

 

#4    Lois Easton, Through the Five Genii Gate

Reading the menu, Lucy said, “What’s a ‘pos-pu-hate’?”

“A what?”

“Well, it’s spelled “p-h-o-s-p-h-a-t-e,” but I don’t know how to say it.”  

Neither Kathryn nor Emma knew how to say it or what it was, but a waitress behind the counter adjusted the frilly white apron over her coral dress and cracked her gum.  “It’s this bubbly, fizzy drink with flavoring.  We have orange, cherry, lemon, lime (which is called a Green River), grape, vanilla, ummm, chocolate, and egg phosphates.

“I’ll have a grape phosphate.  No, make that a cherry phosphate.”

“Lucy, you’re not going to order anything else?” Kathryn said.

“Oh, yes. I’ll have a grilled bulonnie sandwich.”

“Make that one bologna sandwich.”

“It’s clear I’ve been feeding you tow well,” Kathryn said. “What kind of hot soup do you have?”

“We have all the Campbell soups: pea, vegetable beef, chicken noodle, even mock turtle.”

“That’s all right.  Just bring me hot creamy tomato soup.  Coffee black, please.  And saltines.”

The waitress blew her blonde bangs up and said to Emma, “And you, Miss?”

“I’ll have a cream cheese and jelly sandwich, if you’ve got grape jelly, and a banana split.”

“Ohhhhh,” Kathryn groaned. “You raise them to enjoy French cuisine, and they order bologna and jelly sandwiches.”

The Who of Dialogue

Dialogue is not just about what someone says.  It’s also – usually, but not always – about others’ reactions. Reaction is not always vocal; it could be a facial expression, gesture, or action. 

People reacting to dialogue

Typically, here’s how dialogue goes:

Speaker Reactions Notes
Main character Other characters Most common
Other characters The main character and other characters The main character may not react.
Other characters Other characters Other characters talk amongst themselves, but the main character is not there or is not involved. What other characters observe and talk about can be as revealing as what the main character says. The reactions of other characters to other characters’ observations can also be revealing.
"Narrator
(third person omniscient, who sees everything and communicates it to the reader)"		 No reaction from the main character or any other character The narrator and the writer are usually different.
The main character or other characters The main character or others characters resist what they have heard Resistance can tell as much about characters and plot as reaction can.
Narrator who is a character The main character and other characters This is someone who steps outside the scene to tell the reader what is happening, build background, etc. The narrator has a personality and reaction tinged by his/her beliefs, and the reader needs to realize that the narrator may not be completely trustworthy or may not know what’s happening.
The main character who delivers a soliloquy or monologue No one This is a think-aloud for the main character and the reader only. Other characters can do a “think-aloud” as well.

One of your most important writing decisions will be who will tell your story.  This person/creature (see Blog #12 about creatures as characters) will probably carry the main load of dialogue.  Here are some options according to type of narrative:

  • First Person Narrative

The main character tells the story using “I” and “me,” etc., and tells it from his/her own perspective.  If another character told the story, it might be quite different. Some examples:

There are two kinds of people in the world, those who leave home, and those who don’t. I’m a proud member of the first category. My wife, Celestial, used to say that I’m a country boy at the core, but I never cared for that designation. For one, I’m not from the country per se.  Tayari Jones, An American Marriage

I never liked long walks, especially on chilly afternoons: dreadful to me was the coming home in the raw twilight, with nipped fingers and toes, and a heart saddened by the chidings of Bessie, the nurse, and humbled by the consciousness of my physical inferiority to Eliza, John, and Georgiana Reed. Charlotte Brontë, Jane Eyre

“If you really want to hear about it, the first thing you’ll probably want to know is where I was born, and what my lousy childhood was like, and how my parents were occupied and all before they had me, and all that David Copperfield kind of crap, but I don’t feel like going into it, if you want to know the truth.   J.D. Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye, 

 

The main character also reacts to other characters.

The main character may also divulge thoughts with or without an audience.  If other characters are listening, the narrator’s thoughts can be called a soliloquy or monologue, and the other characters may/may not react.  If the main character is without an audience, the main character is probably thinking aloud and may react to his/her own thoughts but has no other characters present to offer feedback.

There may be more than one first-person narrator with characters taking turns to tell the story in the first person.  It’s sometimes hard to tell who the “main” character is when the story has several narrators.  Each uses the first-person narrative structure, such as “I” and “me,” and each may see the story differently. 

Consider the case of an unreliable narrator.  When readers catch on to the possibility that  they can’t trust the narrator, they may enter into the story more fully.  The author creating an unreliable narrator must give sufficient clues that the narrator cannot be trusted.  Chaucer’s Wife of Bath in The Canterbury Tales is a good example of an unreliable narrator.

The unreliable narrator is usually telling the story in the first person.  When there is more than one narrator, they may contradict each other, so it’s up to the reader to follow the clues the writer has planted in the narratives to determine the truth. Less common is a third person unreliable narrator.

  • Third-Person Narrative

Most third person narratives have a single narrator (although some stories have more than one third-person narrator, who switch as the plot progresses).  These narrators speak about the characters as “he,” “she,” “it,” “they,” “them,” etc.  They may be

o   Omniscient.  This means they are outside the story, but they see, hear, and relate everything.  They follow all the characters and all of the narrative arcs in the story Here’s an example:.

Often and much as they had both heard about the belief that whoever is first to step on the rug will be the head in the family, neither Levin nor Kitty could recall it as they made those few steps. Nor did they hear the loud remarks and disputes that, in the observation of some, he had been the first, or, in the opinion of others, they had stepped on it together.  Leo Tolstoy, Anna Karenina

 

They divulge nothing about themselves.  The story is not about them.  They seldom express opinions or appear to take sides.  They are both omniscient and invisible. Here’s an example:

Sometimes, readers mistake omniscient narrators for the author. The author may use  an omniscient narrator to report what’s going on from the narrator’s point of view (in other words, from a created point of view), but it’s also possible that the characters and the plot may contradict what the narrator says or does. As you write, don’t think of your narrator as your mouthpiece for the story, which should be created by all the characters and the plot they swing among them.

o   Limited Omniscient.  Instead of seeing, hearing, and relating everything, the limited omniscient narrator focuses on a small group of characters and shifts among the characters in this group, alluding to other characters when necessary but mainly telling the story according to what characters in the small group are doing.  This is called “head-hopping.”

Sometimes a limited omniscient narrator focuses on only one character (not always the main character), alluding to what the other characters are doing as necessary.

  • Rarely, Third Person Narrative. 

In this type of narration, the narrator addresses the reader directly as “you.”  It’s       unclear who this narrator is.  It might be the author or someone else who treats the     reader as the protagonist, the one who influences the story and propels it forward.     So, the narrator describes what the reader is doing. The narrator reflects, judges, or     dispenses advice to the reader.  Here is an example:  

You stepped out of the way of  the person coming towards you on the narrow sidewalk; what a pathetic thing to do!

Point of View

Your choice of narrator affects the point of view (POV) from which your story is told.  POV makes a huge difference.  I started Through the Five Genii Gate in the third person POV, and I didn’t much like it. I saw that it was an efficient way of telling the story, but it didn’t allow me to convey the main character’s emotions.  So, I switched to the first person POV.  I didn’t like that either because it limited what was told to what the main character saw.  I resolved this problem by combining POVs.

I started out in third person during which an outside narrator set up the story.  Then I let the main character control the narrative from her POV.  However, I returned intermittently to third person to set the scene and provide transition and then turned the story over to the main character first person POV.  This switch was hard to keep track of, but I think it worked.  Read Tom Lake by Ann Patchett for another example of this strategy.

Here’s an example of the contrast from my book:

Early Draft:  She looked down at her bare feet – she’d discarded her boots to mop the plank floor – and work dress bunched up under the ties of her apron. She looked out. There was her fiancé, Drummond Thorpe.

Later Draft: I glanced down at my bare feet and legs.  I had not dressed up to clean that dirty old homestead.  I had kicked off my old, scuffed cowboy boots to mop the plank floor and bunched my work dress up under the ties of my apron. I pulled aside the torn gingham corner of the curtain on the front window and remember saying, “Oh, no.”  There he was, my fiancé, Drummond Thorpe, tall atop his mare, Harper.

Dissecting Some Dialogue

#5    Suzanne Collins, The Hunger Games

         “Handsome lad like you. There must be some special girl. Come on, what’s her name?” says Caesar.

         Peeta sighs, “Well there is this one girl. I’ve had a crush on her ever since I can remember. But I’m pretty sure she didn’t know I was alive until the reaping.”

         Sounds of sympathy from the crowd. Unrequited love they can relate to.

         “She have another fellow?” asks Caesar.

         “I don’t know, but a lot of boys like her,” says Peeta.

         “So, here’s what you do. You win, you go home. She can’t turn you down then, eh?” says Caesar encouragingly.

         “I don’t think it’s going to work out. Winning. . .won’t help in my case,” says Peeta.

         “Why ever not?” says Caesar, mystified.

         Peeta blushes beet red and stammers out.  “Because. . .because. . .she came here with me.”

 

#6    Abraham Verghese, The Covenant of Water

         The door opens and Muthu enters, clearly surprised to see Celeste, to see them both standing there facing each other like combatants.  He brings his palms together.  “Good evening, Missy, I’m not hearing you came.”

         “Muthu,” she says, nodding, not taking her eyes off Digby.

         Muthu looks from to the other.  “Digby Saar. . .I’m going to my native.  As before I mentioning?  I gone two days only.”

         Digby is still staring at Celeste. 

         Muthu turns to her. “Missy is liking something to eat before I go? Shall I make samosa?”

         “Muthu,” she sighs, her voice sounding suddenly very tired, very husky.  “Missy is liking a double whiskey, please.  And one for him too.”

         “Yes, Missy!” Muthu says automatically but doesn’t move.

         She finally turns to him, raising her eyebrows.“Muthu?” she says.

         “Sorry, Missy. . .Whiskey we’re not having.”

         “Gin, then?”

         He shakes his head.  “Doctor Saar not drinking – “

         “Oh, for God’s sake, Digby – “ says Celeste, her voice rising in a manner that startles all of them.

         “But whisky soon coming, Missy! Muthu interjects hastily, mortified that he got Digby into trouble.  He runs out the back.

How to Write Dialogue

Basics of Dialogue

Here are a few steps for writing dialogue.  Please note that you do not complete one step, check it off your list, and go on to the next step.  You may need to reconsider the advice in each step each time you write new dialogue, especially as the characters develop.

  1. Listen, listen, listen.  Practice dialogue by listening to it.  Yes, I’m advising eavesdropping. Lurking live. Leave the sound on but close your eyes. Rita Mae Brown suggests that writers listen to 
      “. . . people talking [and] you’ll find yourself editing their dialogue, playing with it, seeing in your mind’s eye what it would look like on the page. You listen to how people really talk, and then learn little by little to take someone’s five-minute speech and make it one sentence, without losing anything” (66)

  2. Make sure the dialogue you write is useful.  As you listen, become aware of dialogue that serves no particular purpose in writing.  It’s what we say in person, perhaps, but it does not advance either character development or plot.  Here’s an example:

    “Jody, good to see you,” Antoine said.

    “Good to see you, too,” Jody said.

    “It’s been a long time.”

    “Yes.”

    Cut the small talk.

  3. Avoid using dialogue to achieve exposition but break it up with exposition, description, and action.
    Here’s an example of dialogue used solely to provide information:Elvira said, “You remember my father, don’t you, Algie?”

    “Of course,” said Algernon.

    “Well, he’s not doing dentistry any more.”

    “That’s good,” Algernon said.  “He never really liked it, did he?

    “Not really.”

    Ho-hum.  This example is dialogue that gives the reader some facts, but not much more.  Readers know 1) that Algernon and Elvira know each other; 2) that Algernon knows Elvira’s father; 3) that Elvira’s father used to be a dentist; 4) that Elvira’s father is no longer a dentist; 4) in Algernon’s opinion, Elvira’s father never liked dentistry, so he probably doesn’t miss it; 5) Elvira also knew her father didn’t like dentistry.

    Let’s add a little exposition and description to the dialogue so that it’s a better read.  You’ll read another version of this dialogue in #7.

    Elvira stopped Algernon on the way into the old-fashioned 7-Eleven with neon lights.  Since the red “7” was out, all it said was “-Eleven” in green.  “You remember my father, don’t you, Algie?”

    “Sure do,” Algernon said, turning away from the door.  “And I remember that creaky old black leather dental chair. I spent a lot of time there.”

    They stood outside the door, a bit to the side so customers could still get in and out.  “I need to. . I need to tell you something about him. “He’s not doing dentistry anymore.”

    “That’s good,” Algernon said.  “He never really liked it, did he?

    “Never,” Elvira said.  “And, he began to do something else.”  They moved further away from the door as a mother with three children eddying around her tried to open the door.  Elvira quickly stepped back and opened the door for them, nodding when the mother offered a bit of a smile as thanks.

    “Nice,” Algie said. “Nice thing to do.  So, what else has he been doing?”

    “Mountain climbing,” Elvira said.  “But it hasn’t gone well for him.”  That’s all she could say until after the three children had pushed the doors open, each of them clutching a giant-sized candy bar. 

  4. Give each character his or her own agenda.  This means that you understand why the character is speaking and how it fits into the purposes this character has in terms of the plot and in relation to other characters.  For example, you know that Joann wants to get a job, so you have her say at a Meetup, “You know, I am a graphic designer. Do you ever need one at Pillery-Down?”  You know that Hank is trying to become more extroverted, so you have him say at the same Meetup, “I’m trying to find out how I connect with people at this meeting.  You skateboard?”

  5. Differentiate character voices.  You know that Dashay speaks in a soft tone, while Mira speaks slowly, enunciating each word.  You know that Elizabeth speaks quickly in a high voice, as if she just wants to finish the conversation.  Mateo always explains what he’s saying, as if he’s afraid others won’t understand unless they hear the same thing twice, in two different ways.  Practice the voices by giving them the same piece of dialogue, such as: “I want to go home.”  “The personal car is a thing of the past.” “Do we have enough people to make a difference?”  “I’ve never heard that before.”  “Where did you live before you came to Why, Arizona?”

  6. Write the dialogue and then go back to see what you can leave out.

    Here’s an example with words that can be omitted to keep the dialogue tight:

    “Yeah, Jack ran after Melanie,” Arthur told us. “Jack tried to get her to turn around.  Jack ran down the street, calling Melanie’s name, determined she’d listen to Jack’s pleas one time.” Arthur snapped his fingers. Nodded. “Yeah, Jack would get her to  listen. Jack had that way about him. Melanie didn’t stand a chance. Not with Jack  dogging her that way.” (from https://theeditorsblog.net/2011/11/03/bad-dialogue-bad-bad-dialogue/)

    Sometimes, of course, you want what some would call “bad dialogue” because it fits the character;  wordy, rambling. But this one can be tightened up a bit and  reformatted.  Here’s one way to do that:

    “Yeah, Jack ran after Melanie,” Arthur told us, “trying to get her to turn around.”

    “Mel. . .Melanie,” Jack called as he ran down the street.

    “Jack thought she’d listen to his pleas one more time, because he’s a con as good as that.”  Arthur snapped his fingers.

    You might tighten up this bit of dialogue in another way, but the key is to keep the focus on what’s important.  I decided that 1) Arthur needed to tell someone else about this incident;  2)  It’s important that Jack is running after Melanie, trying to stop her;  3) Jack is good at getting what he wants.

  7. Reveal emotions and feelings.  You don’t have to reserve dialogue for moments of intensity, moments that reveal emotions and feelings.  But recall the dialogue between Elvira and Algernon.  That dialogue was as bland as a piece of toast without butter or marmalade, only a little better in the revision.. Here’s another revision that infests it with emotion:

    Elvira put her hand on Algernon’s arm as he was opening the door into the 7-Eleven and looked up at him with wet eyes from which a single tear escaped.

    “You remember,” she started to say before wiping away the moisture. “You remember my father, don’t you, Algie?”

    Algernon let the door shut, turned to her and gently caught each of her elbows with a hand. “Of course,” he said.  “Oh, no.”

    “Yes, he’s gone.  He died,” she said, “unexpectedly.”

    Algernon pulled her closer and rocked her for a few moments.  “I remember how he hated dentistry.  When I had an appointment, he would always talk about something he really wanted to do.”

    Between sobs, she said, “That’s how he died.”

    “In his office? In his chair?”

    “No,” she said as she pulled away from him and looked at his face, “doing something he always wanted to do.”

    Algernon was silent as if afraid to ask, so she said, “He left that old dental office and that sticky chair – you remember that – and at last he climbed Ranier, but he fell on the way down the slope.”

    Elvira said, “Everyone has told me at least he was doing something he wanted to do.”

    “That’s not fair,” Algernon said into her hair.  “Not fair at all.  To die when you finally  achieve your dream.”

    So, this version of the story is probably a little maudlin, but it included dialogue, exposition, and description and, perhaps, it conveyed a little emotion, too.  It is far more interesting than the first version, somewhat more interesting than the second. . .and more memorable.

  8. Reveal character dynamics. We can’t really discern the relationship between Elvira and Algernon from the first dialogue.  In the second, it’s clear they have known each other, probably for some time, but haven’t seen each other recently. They trust and feel some affection for each other, but that’s about all we know.  And it’s probably all we need to know to appreciate the dialogue.  

    Just be sure you build on what you’ve already revealed about their dynamic or let     the current dialogue change that relationship for good reason.

  9. Allow the dialogue to be oblique, not revealing everything and, perhaps, leaving the reader wanting to know more.  It’s all right to omit some things; it’s also all right to surprise the reader.

  10. Read the dialogue aloud and listen to it.  Better yet, have someone else read it aloud.  Listen for more than the words and sentences, the emotion and feelings.  Listen to the pacing: fast or slow.  First fast, then slow, then fast again.  Hear the beat of the words because most of us speak using something usually used to describe poetry, a pattern of stressed and unstressed syllables.

  11. Think of writing dialogue as collaboration with your character (s).  Rita Mae Brown advised writers to think about knowing the characters so much that you almost collaborate with them to write their dialogue:

    You may want to come up with an image or a metaphor for this other part of you that is separate from your rational, conscious mind, this other person with whom you can collaborate. This may help you feel less alone. (72)

  12. Practice thrift with accents and use of foreign words. Introduce them to set the character and then use them sparingly.

The Mechanics of Writing Dialogue

Many websites and lots of books provide more information than anyone really needs about how to write dialogue and handle the mechanics of dialogue. Check these out:

General

Tags

The tag is the attribution used to identify the speaker.  The best tag – which seldom needs to be varied – is “says” or “said.”  Although you may think that’s boring, a staid tag lets the character’s words carry the emotions and feelings.  Sure, you can write “pleaded” or “screamed” or “asked” or “commented” or “muttered” or any other words that mark dialogue.

But what the character says – should carry the meaning of the tag.  A supercharged tag detracts from the voice of the character.  It inserts the voice of the author.  Novelist Elmore Leonard wrote that he makes himself invisible in his work.  According to Marcus Trower (https://marcustrowereditor.com/2013/04/07/verbs-for-carrying-dialogue-said-versus-the-rest/):

One of his [Elmore Leonard’s] invisibility cloaks is . . . : ‘Never use a verb other than said to carry dialogue.’ He says, ‘The line of dialogue belongs to the character; the verb is the writer sticking his nose in. But said is far less intrusive than grumbled, gasped, cautioned, lied.’  

Of course, you can sneak in replied or asked if you think the reader might not know who’s talking (for example, when something comes between what X says and Y says).

Adverbs

Adverbs are normally useful to a writer (in moderation, of course, and appropriate to the plot and characters), but adverbs are usually anathema when attached to a tag.  Stephen King does a great job poking fun at adverbs that are part of a tag:

Such dialogue attributions are sometimes known as ‘Swifties,’ after Tom Swift, the brave inventor-hero in a series of boys’ adventure novels written by Victor Appleton II. Appleton was fond of such sentences as, ‘Do you worst!’ Tom cried bravely’ and ‘My father helped with the equations,’ Tom said modestly.’” (126)

King remembers a party game he played as a teenager: 

creating “witty (or half witty) Swifties, such as ‘You got a nice butt, lady,’ he said cheekily.  Or, ‘I’m the plumber,’ he said with a flush. (126)

So, even though you long to use an adverb such as cheerily, especially if you’ve used the rather dull verb said, make the character’s words do the work.  Of course, it’s harder to write the words to convey an emotion or feeling rather than just stitching in an adverb or foregoing said for chirped. Compare these three sentences.

  1. “I will take care of the birds,” she chirped.
  2.  “I will take care of the birds,” she said cheerily.
  3. “Oh, I’d love to take care of those sweet little canaries,” she said. “I love to hear them sing.”

Punctuation

Placement of the Tag Dictates Punctuation    You can put the tag (preferably without an adverb) at the beginning, in the middle, or at the end of a sentence.  Note how placement of the tag requires different use of punctuation and capitalization.

  • Beginning: They said, “Watch out. You’re going to hit the train.”
    Note: First word capitalized (as in any sentence); comma after the attribution (in this case, They said,); opening quote mark; capital letter of first word of dialogue, period; final quote mark. 

  • Middle: “Watch out,” they said. “You’re going to hit the train.”
    Note: Quote marks before opening of the quote; capital letter of first word of quote;  comma afterwards; lower case for attribution (they); period after said; quote marks around the second part of the quote; capital letter to start the second part of the quote; period at the end; closing quotes.  Also note there are two sentences in the middle example: Watch out and You’re going to hit the train. That’s why there’s a period after the first and a capital letter to start the second. However, these    sentences could be combined: Watch out, you’re going to hit the train.  As a single sentence, there would be a comma after they said, and you’re would not be capitalized.
  • End:   “Watch out. You’re going to hit the train,” they said.
    Note:  This is the easiest of the three placements, with the usual capital letters at the beginning of the first and second sentences, then a comma at the end of the quote, lower case they and a period at the end.

There’s no rule about where to put dialogue tags.  I mix the order up just to get some sentence variety: sometimes first, sometimes middle, sometimes end.  I like to believe the focus is on the speaker when the tag comes at the beginning. Perhaps the content is more important if it comes first.  Having the tag in the middle may do no more than add interest.  A tag at the end may enhance suspense: “Who’s saying this?”  The placement of the tag may cause the quotation to sound differently when read aloud.

However, I really don’t think the position of the tag makes much difference.  

Quote Marks  Quote marks open and close a dialogue (“. . . .”). You can use a variety of ways to punctuate dialogue.  Here are the most popular marks to use around what the character says:

      • Use double quotes (“)
      • Use single quotes (‘)
      • Use a hyphen before (-)
      • Use no punctuation at all


Double quotes are the most common, the easiest to see, and the least likely to cause trouble.  I dislike single quotes around what characters say because they are not as easy to see, they may be used for quotes with quotes, and they may also be used to identify a word being defined and its definition.  See #1 below. 

Hyphens seem like an affectation to me – just something different an author can do to draw attention.  They are used to start the quote, but nothing ends the quote and, besides, hyphens are used for other things.  See #2 below.

I find it simply annoying when authors use no punctuation to distinguish dialogue from exposition, description, or action.  I suspect the author using them wants no barrier between what characters are doing and what they are saying.  See #3 below.

Note:  When the dialogue continues for more than one paragraph, do not close the first paragraph with quote marks but begin the next paragraph with quote marks.  If the dialogue continues another paragraph, do the same, until the multi-paragraph dialogue concludes, which is when you’ll close it with quotes. 

Other Punctuation  Using other punctuation can get a little tricky.  At the end of a quote

Put commas and periods within the quote marks.

“This is my stop,” Angus said.
Angus said, “This is my stop.”

Put colons and semi-colons outside the quote marks.

Clementine shared “Ways to Avoid Drowning”:  Don’t have a forty-niner as either father or lover; do not trip while doing chores; be sure you can swim, especially in a raging creek.

Clementine shared “Ways to Avoid Drowning”; the local YMCA issued its  own advice.   

Put question marks according to the meaning of the sentence. If the quote itself is a question, put the question mark inside the quote marks.   If the whole sentence is a question, put the question mark outside the quote marks.  If both are questions, use a question mark at the end of the quote and at the end of the sentence.

Peter asked, “Should we run from that wolf?”

Did he say, “Should we run from that wolf”?

Do we wait until the third time Peter says, “Should we run from that wolf?” or  wait until the fifth time?

Single quotes.  Unless you are using them as quote marks around the words a character says, use them to quote something within the spoken quote.  You can put single quotes around titles, words being defined or used in a special way, word definitions, etc.

The teacher told them, “Write down the title of this book, ‘Gangsta Rap Coloring Book’ and get it at the local bookstore before Tuesday’s class.”

Claire said, “No one knew my secret word ‘accismus’ except the teacher and she didn’t know what it means, which is ‘pretending to be disinterested when  you really want something.’”

(Note #1: In place of a single quote, you can use italics: Gangsta Rap Coloring Book.)

(Note #2: Notice that in the sentence about Claire the single quote comes before the double quote at the end.)

Ellipsis, Dashes, Exclamation Points, and Parentheses Frankly, I overuse the first two and sometimes must reread to eliminate some.  An ellipsis is a series of dots (periods) usually with a space between them:  . . .   Use three to indicate a pause in the dialogue.  Use four to indicate the end of a sentence (adding a period to the three you are using for the ellipsis itself).

Dashes are not hyphens.  In my Microsoft Word program, I can type two hyphens and get what’s called an em (longer) or en (shorter) dash.  I had to go into Preferences and from that drop-down menu into ABC AutoCorrect and from there to Autoformat While You Type. I made sure the Hyphens to Dash was checked.  Your software may have an easier way to create em or en dashes.

These two special punctuation strategies serve different purposes.  The ellipsis is a soft pause or an unfinished thought, kind of a falling away.  The dash is more abrupt.  It indicates a strong break or something dramatic that’s happening.

The British call an exclamation point or mark (!) a bang or a shriek.  Those two words illustrate how sparingly exclamation points should be used: only when emotion is high.

I would be misguided if I punctuated the previous sentence with an exclamation point:

Those two words illustrate how sparingly exclamation points should be used: only when emotion is high!

Don’t use exclamation marks unless you’re certain the words in the sentence cannot convey the emotion adequately.  And, never use more than one!!!

Use of parentheses can signal to the reader, “Oh-oh. The author forgot something and didn’t want to rewrite the whole paragraph. How lame.  He just inserted the disremembered parenthesis between those two curved lines called parentheses. 

Avoid if possible.  Rewrite to avoid parentheses or eliminate the parenthetic thought if it is not that important after all. 

Starting a New Sentence and Indenting     Although many of the “rules” for writing dialogue are a bit loose, almost all authors agree to start a new sentence every time a different character speaks.  Here’s an example:

“I like a mystery without dead bodies,” Agatha said.

Hercule replied, “Oh, I don’t. Give me a dead body any day.”

Even if Agatha and Hercule have been talking for a while, you’d still start a new sentence each time the speaker changed. 

After the first few times an author has used the characters’ names to identify who’s speaking and the reader has gotten used to the pattern of the exchange, the writer can use “he” and “she.”  However, if the pattern changes – for example, when the butler enters the room – the writer should use the name to re-establish who is talking.  

After it is clear that the pattern is Agatha > Hercule > A > H > A > H,, the writer can even omit “he” and “she.

Some writers indent paragraphs of dialogue to strengthen the change of speakers and also because their style calls for indented paragraphs even when the content is not dialogue.

Use Contractions     Except in formal dialogue, use contractions rather than the words that comprise a contraction.  In other words, use can’t for cannot and wouldn’t for would not.  Most of us like shortcuts, and a contraction is one common shortcut for speech.

There are other rules for dialogue, so consider consulting one of the many online sites and books available by searching Rules for Dialogue.

#7    Charles Dickens, David Copperfield

[David Copperfield has been taken to Salem House, a boarding school as punishment for his “misdoing.” The other students are on holiday, so he roams around the school by himself, finding a pasteboard placard saying ‘TAKE CARE OF HIM. HE BITES.’ He is forced to wear it on his back. When the schoolboys return from holiday, one student named J. Steerforth takes charge of David Copperfield.]

‘What money have you got, Copperfield?’ he said, walking aside with me when he had disposed of my affair in these terms.  I told him seven shillings.”

You had better give it to me to take care of,’ he said. ‘At least, you can if you like. You needn’t if you don’t like.’

I hastened to comply with his friendly suggestion, and opening Peggotty’s purse, turned it upside down into his hand.

‘Do you want to spend anything now?’ he asked me.

‘No, thank you,’ I replied.

‘You can, if you like, you know,’ said Steerforth. ‘Say the word.’

‘No, thank you, sir,’ I repeated.

‘Perhaps you’d like to spend a couple of shillings or so, in a bottle of currant wine by and by, up in the bedroom?’ said Steerforth. ‘You belong to my bedroom, I find.’

It certainly had not occurred to me before, but I said, Yes, I should like that.

‘Very good,’ said Steerforth. ‘You’ll be glad to spend another shilling or so, in almost cakes, I dare say?’

I said, Yes, I should like that too.

‘And another shilling or so in biscuits, and another in fruit, eh?’ said Steerforth. ‘I say, young Copperfield, you’re going it!’

I smiled because he smiled, but I was a little troubled in my mind, too.

‘Well!’ said Steerforth. ‘We must make it stretch as far as we can; that’s all.  I’ll do the best in my power for you. I can go out when I like, and I’ll smuggle the prog in.’

 

#8    Barbara Kingsolver, Demon Copperhead

(A book about a lost boy, very much like David Copperfield)

The trouble that Mr. McCobb didn’t count on, though, was needing to spend money on me. For example, buying more groceries so I could eat. For the first week I was there, he asked if I was going to chip in for my meals and so forth.

“Chip in, like what?” I asked. Not having the slightest idea what he was talking about.

“Just a little cash, buddy. For the extra food.”

The two of us were sitting at the kitchen table doing an enterprise where I licked the stamps and sealed envelopes after Mr. McCobb put brochures in them. Every time he leaned over to reach himself more brochures, I saw pink scalp shining through his buzz cut on top.

“I am all about the fair and square,” he said. “As far as your bunking quarters, that’s going to be grateese.” He explained gratesse meant he wasn’t going to charge me anything for my bedroom.

“Thanks,” I said, even though it wasn’t a bedroom, it was a dog room. The day Miss Banks brought me there, she inspected the DSS-approved cute bedroom that supposedly was for me, with cowboy wallpaper, bedspread of Woody from Toy Story, etc. But after she left, it turned out that was their son Brayley’s room. Mrs. McCobb said not to tell Miss Barks or I would get sent back, so I didn’t. Sleeping in the McCobb’s dog room was preferable to whatever DSS might cook up next. This room was attached on the back of the house with the washer and dryer and a seriously rotted-out floor where their old washer had leaked. You had to be careful where you stepped, or the linoleum would give way. It’s where they’d had their AKC puppy enterprise some while back, and smelled like it. Plus noisy, due to the washer and dryer going all hours, what with all those kids and babies.

Mr. McCobb asked me how I was liking it in the so-called annex. His wife had brought me one of those air-mattress beds and a little cardboard dresser for my stuff, so I told him it was fine. But that I couldn’t pay for my meals because I didn’t have any money. Sorry.

Mr. McCobb stopped stuffing envelopes and squinted his eyes, like he was working out the whole situation of me. He had those extra-dark brown eyes that were looking down two holes. Intense. “That’s a deficit, buddy. You’ve got a problem. But it can be addressed.”

“Okay,” I said.

Evaluating Dialogue

Category Description My Rating (1-4) Reasons for Rating and Changes to Be Made
Serves its purpose Not weighed down by exposition
Authenticity Evokes the way people actually talk without being precisely the way they talk.
Differentiation Characters sound different, manifest their personalities in what they say and how they say it.
Variety Action, description, and exposition weave through dialogue as appropriate.
Effect on reader Advances reader’s understanding of character and the plot, but sometimes surprises the reader.
Depth Reveals emotions and feelings, suggest inner thoughts, and portray character dynamics.
Responses and Reactions Responses and reactions are revelatory, not “ho-hum.”
Style, Especially Tags Tags used effectively to identify changes in speaker, but varied by use of pronouns instead of names, and omission if it’s clear who’s talking. Tags use says or said (or similar words that do not call attention to themselves). Tags never or seldom are accompanied by adverbs.
Mechanics Choice of method for signaling dialogue; punctuation, capitalization, indention, contractions, spare use of dialects and accents, etc.

Dissecting Some Dialogue

Dissecting Some Dialogue: My Thoughts

#1 J.R.R, Tolkien, The Hobbit

Readers have to forgive Tolkien for his dialect; after all, he created several languages for Middle-earth, including several Elvish languages.  This piece of dialogue is nothing compared to others: just naststy, pocketses, guesseses, handses. And, they’re fun, especially because in the scene Bilbo is challenging the strange creature Gollum with riddles.  Tolkien does use a dramatic tag for Gollum (hissed) but, otherwise, he sticks with said. One error – which, to be fair – might not have been an error when Tolkien wrote it – is combining what Bilbo says with what Gollum says, in the same paragraph.  Usually speakers are separated.  Good mix of description and dialogue.

#2 F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby

I think Fitzgerald is one of the best writers of dialogue. No matter who is talking, the words, sounds, beats, and feelings are different.  Fitzgerald uses the em dash twice in this short excerpt to show speaking being interrupted.  Perhaps overdone?  He uses a phrase of the time,“old sport,” a kind of condescending label.  The last part of this quote is perfect: short (simply “Trying to” instead of “I’m trying to.”) and provides no elaboration.  Perhaps a surprise is coming.

#3 Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice

I have grown to expect – and like – writers of the 19th century, including Austen, the Brontës, George Eliot, and Dickens.  Sometimes the words are unfamiliar to modern readers, including words used in dialogue.  The sentences are formally constructed because her characters are usually upper- or aspiring upper-class people.  Austen’s dialogue sounds very natural for people of the 19th century. . .and that’s good because Austen uses lots of it as a way to immerse readers in her characters. The opening phrase My dear Mr. Bennet establishes the time period (if the reader hasn’t already discerned it) because it turns out the woman speaking to him is his wife. The word order in the tag is old-fashioned: said his lady to him one day. Today the tag would probably have been his wife said to him one day. The tags go beyond said and even include adverbs to emphasize the emotions: cried his wife impatiently.  Finally, notice how long Mrs. Bennet talks when Mr. Bennet allows her to do so.  It’s a two semi-colon sentence.  It may appear laborious, but I can just imagine Mrs. Bennet leaving her chair to stand over her husband (who was previously occupied in other ways) to share the latest gossip.  It’s a good scene.

#4 Lois Easton, Through the Five Genii Gate

Lots of bad things have happened to Kathryn and her two daughters, so I constructed this bit of dialogue to inject a little humor.  The family has just escaped from China when the Japanese invaded it in 1937.  They have experienced horrors and, more importantly, one of the family (the brother of the two girls) has gone missing and is feared dead.  They are not familiar with drug store diners, nor with what’s offered on their menus, so they are true to character when they puzzle out what to eat.  Lucy is the youngest, and it’s fun to listen to her trying to tell how to say phosphate and discern what it is. There’s some description in this dialogue, but mostly it’s dialogue, ending with an unexpected comment from the mother about the contrast between how she raised them and what they’re choosing at the diner.

#5 Suzanne Collins, The Hunger Games

This is an important piece of dialogue because Peeta reveals in an interview that his girlfriend is with him.  This is a good example of tension, of something Peeta omitted that turns out to be a surprise to the other character.  This dialogue is crisp and concise.  It mixes exposition (Sounds of sympathy. . . .) with dialogue.  Some dialect, such as “eh,” but not much.  Dialogue fits both characters: Peeta because he is hesitant (as shown by ellipsis) and Caesare because he’s powerful (short, didactic sentences such as You win, you go home.)

#6 Abraham Verghese, The Covenant of Water

The setting for this book is the coast of South India.  The tension in this segment is palpable, made so by the confusion the servant Mutha feels as he barges into the presence of two people arguing.  He tries to smooth over his confusion and do the right thing.  The point of view is what makes this dialogue work; the argument would be just another argument if told from either Digby’s or Celeste’s point of view. There’s dialect in this passage, but it is appropriate for the Malayali servant and is not too much for the reader.  In fact, the dialect also shines a light on the differences between the South Indians and the British.  Poor Muthu.  It is up to him to break the news to Celeste that Digby is not drinking, so there’s no liquor in the house. This dialogue demonstrates powerful dynamics among the characters, especially through what they don’t know from the others.

#7 Charles Dickens, David Copperfield

These two examples of dialogue are related.  First came Dickens’, published serially in 1849-50, and then Kingsolver’s book – inspired by Dickens’ — in 2022.  In this excerpt from David Copperfield, young David is taken in hand by an appropriately named Steerforth. Steerforth presses David to share his meager funds, using many more words than David does to make the case that he deserves it.  David’s responses are fittingly brief; he doesn’t know what to say. One punctuation mystery to me is how David’s responses to Steerforth go without punctuation marks, as in Yes, I should like that.  However, when he says, ‘No thank you,’ the words are enclosed in single quotes.  Another thing – the single quotes.  I am usually reading so fast I don’t quite see them, and sometimes I have to go back to be sure I’m reading words the character spoke.

#8 Barbara Kingsolver, Demon Copperhead

Kingsolver writes like people talk.  They don’t talk in complete sentences, so Kingsolver writes: Not having the slightest idea what he was talking about.  And, Just a little cash, buddy. For the extra food. She uses a little slang:  grateese.  There’s enough dialogue to establish the character of Mr. McCobb.  There’s description and exposition, but not delivered through dialogue.  The first person point-of-view (POV) lets the main character narrate the scene and add his impressions about what was happening to him: You had to be careful where you stepped.  Though the “you” is second person, he’s not talking to the reader, just referencing himself.  She omits actual dialogue in favor of reflection: But that I couldn’t pay for my meals because I didn’t have any money. Sorry.